Guilt and Productivity
This post was originally published April 4, 2024.
It’s snowing again. I have a completely unfounded expectation that there shouldn’t be snow in April. I figure I have suffered long enough through the Maine winter and should be enjoying the sunny, warmer weather associated with spring. The last storm affected me more than I was prepared for. After shoveling through a foot of heavy snow and ice, my chronic pain flared up to levels it hadn’t reached in over a year. I spent the following week laying on my couch surrounded by heating packs as I watched a week’s worth of rain turn the snow to disgusting mush.
Needless to say, it wasn’t a very productive week.
I’ve started going to a woman’s group every month as part of my quest to explore and develop my community. The last time I went, we had a discussion about productivity and how our physical health affects it.
For years I've struggled with feelings of resentment towards my body and specifically the pain I feel that makes doing things so hard. Healing has been a confusing and frustrating experience. I'm constantly arguing with myself about what it looks like to push myself too hard and what my body is actually capable of doing. After all this time, I still don't know.
Last week was rough. I couldn't bend over. Picking up the cat dish to feed Pearl was a delicate procedure. I took each morning to mentally prepare myself to sit at my desk, and when I finally landed in the seat, my mind was so exhausted it couldn't focus on work.
But the worst part was the guilt I felt. Sitting at a desk should be easy. When I break all of my tasks down to their smallest parts, sitting in front of my computer is the first step, and somehow that was too hard. Days ticked by and my to-do list only grew longer. Deadlines passed that I didn't meet, and a deep seated fear of failure reared its ugly head.
I repeated my affirmations. Do your best, even though sometimes your best isn't a lot. You are not defined by your bad days. You are not destined for failure.
I've been trying to rebuild my stamina this week. The progress is slow moving, but I've actually been able to cross a couple things off my to-do list. Then came this storm and I'm dreading it. I don't want to suffer through another unproductive week. The problem though, is not the pain and I realize that. It's the judgment I hold against myself. I will always want to be doing more. I chase the serotonin spikes of completing tasks because they make me feel like I'm doing something right. But busyness does not inherently lead to success. Intention does. During weeks like these, I like to imagine that I'm like the tortoise from the Tortoise and the Hare fable. My body can only move so fast, and slowly but surely, I get to where I need to be.